Newflash! Not every pregnant woman you see is overjoyed that she's soon going to be caring for a snot-nosed, poop-infused newborn.
Some of us decided to have children because we like the long-term idea of having a family. We are looking forward to trips to Williamsburg and the Grand Canyon, we don't mind the thought of selling Girl Scout cookies again, and look forward to buying another American Girl doll. We hope to one day have Christmases that are filled with a full table of well-adjusted adult offspring. But, it'll be a few years until all of that comes to fruition. The immediate path ahead seems bleak and trepidatious.
I feel like a lot of parents out there see a pregnant woman and feel like it is their duty to prepare her in some way. Usually this consists of breaking down any type of illusions of "how joyous" or "how wonderful" parenting will be. I have none of those illusions, and I know I'm not the only ambivalent pregnant woman out there. Instead, I feel an encroaching terror as the date creeps closer and I prepare to relinquish a job that I am good at to do one that I know virtually nothing about.
I do not like babies. I've never found them cute or intriguing. I doubt any of that is going to change in the next month. So, while my pregnancy has been relatively smooth from a physical health standpoint, my mental state has oscillated tremendously over the past nine months. There are days when I am angry, when I regret everything about this pregnancy. Other times I just cry, and cry, and cry. There are days and nights when I honestly feel like I'm not looking forward to the rest of my life.
Most of these low points are preceded by conversations with other parents - usually parents who are still in the midst of it all. I've heard a lot of things, few of which help me to gain confidence or have a positive outlook on the future. I've heard that my whole life is going to change. My whole identity is going to change. My life is going to be chaos. A baby will put stress on my marriage. My husband will be less important to me. I'll never have time for any hobbies ever again. I'll be too busy to walk my dogs. I'm never going to sleep well, ever (as if I'm sleeping well now). My house will be a mess. I won't have time to listen to my favorite NPR shows because I'll be trying to put a baby to sleep. (did it ever occur to anyone that NPR might actually help get a kid to sleep?) Children are going to make us poor. And my personal favorite: we'll never go on vacation again because our kid will be on so many sports teams that we won't have time to get away. (This person clearly did not have a very good sense of what kind of genes are involved here.)
Ok, to be honest, not all of these are coming from external sources. About half of these fears are ones that I harbor internally. However, if people think they are helping to prepare me for the realities of parenting a newborn, I assure you, I am well aware of the stark realities. So if that's all you can say about parenting, then please, just shut up.
Here's the best thing I've heard from a rare friend with a uniquely reasonable approach to parenting: "Infants are boring. You'll need to have something else to do other than stare at your infant all day."
That is exactly what I needed to hear. I don't mind a boring infant. I'd prefer a boring infant. And don't get me wrong, not all well-wishers have been as dire as those above. The ones who've given me the most confidence are generally older. They come from a different generation with a different set of views on parenting. They are the parents whose children were sleeping through the night at 3 months. Parents who successfully employed the cry-it-out method to promote a well-rested family life. Parents who developed a schedule and stuck to it. Parents whose kid had no more than a laundry-basket full of toys. Parents who put their children in a playpen while they cleaned the house.
These parents DO exist. I have talked to them personally and I have read their books. They are the ones that I desperately need to hear more from. I don't need to hear about how hard life is with an infant. I know that it is challenging! I'm not afraid of challenge, I'm afraid of chaos. So, instead of a dire warnings about life being chaos, how about providing us ambivalent mothers with useful tips on how to make it a little less chaotic? How about practical, concrete suggestions? How about sharing ways you maintained your sanity, your identity, and your marriage? How about telling a mother that not everything has to change?
